INSIGHT CRIZ

When was the last time you ever sat down with your partner to enjoy your evening away in a perfect environment? Most of us would just utter “Errr…”! No matter whether you are still dating or married for many years, life would somehow get monotonous if nothing was done to spice things up. “Surprises” is the key for a closer relationship. Taking your “date” to a posh restaurant might be a good surprise but in the end of the day, your budget may burst due to the unnecessary expenditure incurred unless you are rich enough to foot the bills without thinking twice. But then, there won’t be much of a surprise as dining out would be such a routine.

Why don’t you plan something way out from your norm as to prepare a meal for your partner in the comfort of your home? It does not have to be a grand affair but getting some takeaways and lay the food on the table might not be cool at all. Even though if you have never stepped foot into a kitchen before, you can always get some simple recipes online and get them prepared with ease. You can even consult your friends for some great recipes which you can whip up in no time.

On the day of the surprise, just make sure that your partner would be available for an eat-out. Prior to her returning home from work or some errands, storm the kitchen with the ingredients that you had pre-ordered. Work out a menu to be served and work on your culinary skills to surprise her. It might not turn out great as a first timer but it’s your action that will make her stunned.

To create a great ambience for the occasion, set your indoor lighting right. Get a dimmer for your lighting if you have to. Dim down the lights and set a couple of candles, some floral arrangement and a stalk of rose just for her on the table for a romantic dinner ahead. You may want to play some soft background music to bring back the days of your early dating. If you think that this romantic rendezvous might not be good enough to impress her, you can always cook up something special that may make this special day the date of your life time. After all, how successful the surprise will be lies in the creativity within your heart and soul.

When was the last time you ever contacted your Dad? Have you even notice that he has aged a lot. Did you give him a hug recently? Do you realize that this coming Sunday, 15 June 2008 is Fathers’ Day? If you have not done so, please go over to pay him a visit not only this Sunday but many days after that. All fathers, whether they are your biological one, adopted one or even someone you respect as a father figure, would love to get at least some acknowledgments.

Some of you may choose to spend this special day with your father by buying him gifts, cook something special for him or even take him out for a nice meal. When it comes to deciding what sort of gift for him, many of us will be stressed out as shopping for some fathers could be rather hard. Gifts for fathers should reflect the personality of the father. It could also be something that can bring back memories of the bond between you and your father. As for me, I would prefer to give my father a red packet as in the Chinese custom. It symbolizes longevity, health and prosperity. At least he can spend the amount on whatever he wants. Some will give him some shopping vouchers, vacation tickets or even engraved pens if he is still in the corporate world.

Not all fathers are so materialistic as to demand for something of monetary value. There are many things that he cannot do physically now and a simple gesture of helping in household chores would be of value to him. They do not expect much from their children since most of them have grown up and have their own lives. A simple gesture of a long loving hug and some quality time spent together will be much appreciated.

Fathers are also human beings with feelings. He will feel unappreciated for the sacrifices he has made throughout your growing up years. Do not make your father feel so inferior in his life for feeling the rejection from you. Show him what you can do by showering him with your endless love. Let him know that he is always being remembered by you. Prove to him that you are still a filial child not only on Fathers’ Day but also for many years to come.

I love you Dad…Happy Fathers’ Day

Do you ever stop for awhile and watch all the picture frames being displayed in your living room or you simply walk by without taking heed of whoever child’s photos being exhibit there? If you have never spent at least a split second of your time in looking at the photos, it clearly shows that you have practically no time at all in having watchful eyes over what your child has been doing. This may sounds bad as a child may accumulate bad habits in your absence and it may be too late for any rectification by the time you realized them.

There is no doubt that any child will often go astray if there is no proper guidance in his life. A child’s mind is like a glass of drinking water. It is so clear, so pure and free from any pollutants. If there is no guidance in showing that too much salt or sugar being added to that glass of water will be hazardous to the health of a child, how would he know? He will add in more and more each day without knowing how to stop. Eventually, he would become so sick that only professional medical advice would be able to help him. Isn’t that too late? How about the medical expenses and the after effect consequences that the child will experience?

Bringing up a child is not as easy as it sounds. It takes the responsibilities, commitment, effort and time of parents to observe those bad habit symptoms and correct them one by one. The most important thing is that parents must be there for the child at all times no matter how busy or stressful their lives would be. If you do not understand your child well, who else in this world will? Do not forget that a child’s emotions, habits, manners and characters derived from how well he is being polished by the parents to survive well in the society.

I have written earlier on the instincts of a child in growing up strong and having a stand in differentiating what is right or wrong. The instinct mentioned is the basis of emotion; emotion is the basis of habit and habit is the basis or manner and character which will be perceived by others. This is how the society judged on a person as mannerism determined the personality of a person. How good or bad a child may grow up to be depended on the causes mentioned above.

Knowing the importance of these causes, don’t you think it is high time to spend more time with your child and eradicate whatever destructive behaviors and habits that they might gather? You are your child’s eyes and ears at this stage. Hopefully that whatever you have taught them now will eventually make them your hands and legs when they have grown up to be successful in this world. So, take this as homework to observe the physical and verbal mannerism of your child this weekend. Are they good or are they bad? Take some action before it goes out of hands!

In this era where both parents belong to the working group, bringing up a child could be rather stressful. The future characteristics of the child could turn for the worst if he is not always under the watchful eyes of the parents in guiding him to differentiate the right from the wrong.

A child’s mind is like a dam. It slowly accumulates drops by drops of water into his mind. The mind has to be built strong to be able to withstand the pressure and forces of the water. Tons and tons of water flow into this dam and if no proper management is executed, it will just crumble and fall. Parents are like the person manning the dam. They will be there to ensure that several drainages are built to let the excess water flows out of it. Children are just not wise enough to see the danger level posed by the water. That is why parents are much needed to show and guide us towards the safety level in our life.

How children develop and succeed in the society depends on how well they are taught to understand and control their basic instincts. As a parent, you should take note of all the requirements a child will need and showing him which is the best amongst the many options he has in his life. Here are some of the basic instincts that you should inject into their young minds.

Survival Instinct: Food is something that everyone will need in order to survive but what goes inside will have the side effects on a child’s health. A child should be taught on how to consume nutritious food rather than fatty food which in turn will ruin his growing up. You sure do not want your child to have obesity, diabetes or heart problems when they grow up right?

Social Instinct: Humans are born to be social animals and they hate being lonely. As age catches up, they tend to gather more friends and forming more groups. Lifestyles will change so are the languages used. Children tend to follow what majority do. This is the time parents should be there to guide them to differentiate the good from the evil. Shutting a child down from the outside world is discouraged here as it will make the child inactive mentally and physically. Learning the hard way and falling down are part of the growing up process and parents are there only to guide those fallen child to brave it out.

Fear Instinct: Have you ever encountered people your age having the phobia or fear in carrying out certain duties? Most of the time, it is due to their bad childhood experiences. When they were young, they had bad encounters with fear such as stranded in dark places, mentally and physically abuse, loud chilling scream, thunder and lightning, seeing something frightening or getting attacked by something or someone. During these traumas, they needed someone to be by their side but they found none. As parents, try to be available whenever a child needed some comfort and security. This will surely help him to face the society in a more courageous way.

Status Instinct: I have worked in this society for so long and met many different types of people in the process. Most of the time, I have seen people with strong superiority complexes, looking down upon those who he deemed unfit to be around him. Those victims were not even given the chances to prove their worthiness. It is fine to feel proud with one’s achievement but having too much pride will not ensure a smoother working relationship. Different people take different paces in progressing in their lives and they should be given the benefit of doubts in whatever tasks there are given. Although every parent would want their children to excel in whatever they were doing, they should instill in the mind of their children the sense of humbleness, compassion and willingness to help those who are weaker than they are. Whether you want your child to be a down to earth person or you wished to make him into a so called “commander” in the future depends on how you educate him today.

Love Instinct: Life will not continue to exist if there was no love. With love, there tend to be lust and sexual urge. I have noticed that the kids of today are no longer in control of their sexual desires. This could be due to the information filled internet access and many adults movies that are easily accessible in the market. It used to be the headaches of parents trying to tell them about the bees and the flowers but now kids are learning about sex even at a tender age. With the changes in times, there is no stopping to this growing up process. Parents are to ensure that their children know about the value of a life which should not be created out of carelessness. There should always be proper planning and stable income in ensuring the future of a newly born. Sorry to say, I have overheard many barely legal age teens describing their sexual experiences and it is scary to know that they are still schooling. I just hope that some actions can be taken at the root to avoid this social sickness. Think about it!

Do keep a watch out for the next series on knowing your child’s habits in the next post.

Comfort on difficult days,
Smiles when sadness intrudes,
Rainbows to follow the clouds,
Laughter to kiss your lips,
Sunsets to warm your heart,
Hugs when spirits sag,
Beauty for your eyes to see,
Friendships to brighten your being,
Faith so that you can believe,
Confidence for when you doubt,
Courage to know yourself,
Patience to accept the truth,
Love to complete your life. - Unknown

What a great poem this is? Life is surely great, even until the last day if and if only you know how to see, understand and live it well. Most people will fear death, worrying unnecessary about it. Will this make death go away? Someday, somehow, whether it is in our prime time, sickness or old age, we still cannot avoid death. Death is universal. It will strike all and spare none. Not even plants, insects, animal and any other life forms will escape this part of the life cycle.

What really impressed me is the courage of 46 years old Prof. Randy Pausch, PhD. He knew he was going to die in 3-6 months’ time after being diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in August 15th, 2007 and yet he has the courage to face death and gave his last lecture on life. This Carnegie Mellon University’s professor of Computer Science has given some great contributions to the field of virtual reality, science, and education. What a great way to die without feeling the sorrow and yet did something positive for himself and the world. In fact, Prof. Randy is alive and kicking on February 15, 2008, the maximum period the doctors have given him to live.

“The doctors weren’t wrong; they always said that if the palliative chemo worked, I’d buy more time, but that it was a long shot. And the doctors have done a brilliant job of tweaking my regimen to help my odds. How much longer this will work is hard to know, but I’m going to keep having fun every day I have left, no matter how many or how few of them I get,” said Prof. Randy. Thinking positive and having his life lived to the fullest was what Prof. Randy had in this mind. He did not worry at all of even his funeral preparations but instead he spent his prescribed limited time with his family, laughing and having fun just like any normal person would do.

“Attitude clearly matters in fighting cancer. We don’t know why (from my old-style materialistic perspective, I suspect that mental states feed back upon the immune system). But match people with the same cancer for age, class, health, socioeconomic status, and, in general, those with positive attitudes, with a strong will and purpose for living, with commitment to struggle, with an active response to aiding their own treatment and not just a passive acceptance of anything doctors say, tend to live longer,” said Stephen Jay Gould, an influential evolutionary biologist who once taught at the Harvard University. He lived 20 more productive years on top of the 8-month median survival as diagnosed by his doctors.

Here is part of the video clip of the professor’s last lecture as well of the interview he had with ABC. Spend 10 minutes of your time to watch it and appreciate what was said inside. It may take some time in streaming of the video but it is worth the waiting to learn how to live life wonderfully even though death is at the doorsteps.

There are many times that we could not decide what will be the best decision in our life. As we grow older and have many commitments in our hands, we tend to get into more and more complicated issues that will decide on how we are going to be in our future. Different people think differently when faced with such situations. What would your decision be if you were to get into one? Let me discuss with you on one case and see how you are going to pull through.

It starts with you not staying with your parents but within the same state as they are. Sometimes, your scope of work would require you to go outstation for a few days to seal a contract or to maintain the rapport with your clients, which is critical to your success in your business.

Scenario 1: You have a pair of elderly parents who had blows in their health life recently and would want someone to take care of the other half’s needs. As a son/daughter who is staying the nearest to them, would you sacrifice what you are doing now and lend a helping hand to ease the functioning of the household during this period of time? Don’t forget, without their sacrifices in your upbringing, you would not be who you are today. On the other hand, without your 100% attention to your online business, you will not sustain your livelihood for the next few months or maybe years or maybe your whole life.

Scenario 2: You are in an online business and business has just began to blossom. Whichever time you have now is critical to how you are going to survive until your old age. Every minutes and seconds count and to take off even a few hours for personal chores is practically not possible. Suddenly one of your parents has some health issues and required to be hospitalized for a few days. The other parent of yours has just recovered from a serious illness not long ago and does not have the energy to even get the household running smoothly. No one would be preparing the meals. Neither will anyone be there to see if there are groceries to be replenished. What about the visits to the hospital and the medical bills that will be incurred?

From the above two scenarios, don’t you think that life is rather complicated? How great it is if man were born to be able to astral project himself to two places at the same time. Now this is a great headache for just anyone as one situation is just as important as the other. To choose one would be unfair, to choose both would be strenuous to your health, mentally and physically. What would you do if you were to face with these situations? Do share out your suggestion here.

I have known many people who are still holding on to love when the relationship between what was a good one ended abruptly. How sad it is to love someone you really cared for and yet you could not maintain the relationship? The saddest thing about life is that when you met someone and fell in love only to find out in the end that it was never meant to be. You have wasted years and years of your life waiting and hoping to gain back what was lost but is it worth it? Is it going to become a reality? Is it worth it to hold on and wait for another five years, ten years or even more?

What is stopping you from moving on? Is the love that strong until you would put on hold your future for the sake of waiting and hoping that the day would come when you can salvage back what was taken away from you? Love is like a clear lake which was stained by the blood from a broken heart. If scooping and throwing away a glass of the lake water is equivalent to an hour, how long do you think you can make the water clear again? How confident are you that you have the power and energy to do that? How sure are you that the water would be cleared of the blood pollution? No matter how hard you tried, you will never clear the hurt and bad memories of what had happened. This is the nature of the heart to feel but forever fear and the mind to remember but never forget.

You can depict love like a butterfly. The more you chase after it, the more it will fly away from you. If you just let it has its freedom to fly and to choose, it may come to you one day when you least expect it. Theoretically this is true but what are the chances of someone having the full freedom coming back to the tiger’s den? It is almost as good as none. As the sayings go, “once bitten, twice shy”. How can you mend a heart that has been broken before? How can you mend a relationship that has become stale? If the love is strong enough, no matter how far apart two persons are; it will never end in any way. What is yours is yours as love cannot be forced.

Love is like on a performance stage. You will never know whether it is true or false unless you experience it yourself. It can make you happy but often it hurts. So take your time and choose the best. It may soar or fall apart but do not be disheartened. Cherish the moment well with that someone who is really worth it. After all, to love in a relationship is to grow in life. Remember this well: “Do not be too dependent or possessive in love. Pure love does not cause you pain.”

When love sparks, two people will eventually come together and marriage will be one of the most fundamental and enduring social institutions that will ever happen. Man and woman will think of the partnership and facing sacrifices for the sake of both parties and in an attempt to seek security and contentment from their mutual understanding. Then comes in the thought of expanding that relationship into a family, where children will come into their lives. This is the general idea of a married life.

As years of the intimate emotional relationship goes by, it is inevitable that some misunderstanding and friction due to anger, suspicion or jealousy will occur from time to time. This is where a person will have to put his/her level of understanding, tolerance and love to test. Marriage is actually based on compatibility and not just by finding someone you deemed fit to your liking. Even if it is so, it is always the mutual respect, love and concern that will make the marriage a success. You do not go through marriage blindly without sharing the happiness and pain as a whole. It will not work as it will result in bad communication and understanding in time to come.

Most cases of marital problems arose due to the unwillingness of a partner to compromise with another. As the sayings, “It takes two hands to make a clap”. When a minor misunderstanding occurs, it is best that one side maintain the coolness until whatever thunderstorm, hurricane or tornado subsided. This is easily said than done as most of the time, as a human with heavy emotion, it is hard for many to control the inbuilt time bomb that will explode by a mere flick of the fingers. The golden rule in any marriage is that problems can be resolved without violence and anger. Try to enrich your life by nurturing the patience, tolerance and understanding within yourself.

It was the heydays when man used to dominate the working world as the sole bread earner for his family. In the modern society of today, both sexes play an important part in the success of bringing up a family. Household chores are no longer limited to the women as they are now shared duties for both working couple. There should no longer be the term “man of the house” or “woman of the house” and replaced with the term “guardians of the family”.

There was this joke about having an ideal relationship being married. “A good marriage would be between a deaf husband and a blind wife.” I had a good laugh when I read about the reasoning behind the saying few years back. It seems that as a married man, he tends to get a lot of grumbling and nagging from the wife, whereas as a married woman, she tends to look for perfection in her husband. In the end, what would be more ideal than to have a husband who will not “hear” the nagging of the wife and a wife who would not “see” the faults and weaknesses of her husband?

There are countless of pleasures and pressures in a marriage life and to cover all would be like reading the trilogy of Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, and so on. There is only one rule in a good marriage that I am going to mention here. Have a good thought about it.

Marriage is like a pair of scissors that have both blades stuck together. They are inseparable. Although both moves opposite directions most of the time, together they will still cut through the hardship and toughness of what lies ahead.

What would you think would be the first impression of a person on another before getting married? Do you think it is love at first sight? Do you think it is the feel of knowing that the other person would be your perfect soul mate in the future? Do you think it is the desire to own another for self image and financial stability? Do you think that it is a way to satisfy your sexual desire as you would now be doing it legally and at any time you want? What about being pregnant and getting someone pregnant? Is it a thrill and excitement or is it sadness and sorrow?

These are some of the question I asked myself each time I see or hear disputes amongst married couples. Sex is indeed quite important in the life of a marriage. It is just an expression of a marital love and should not be taken as the main priority of a relationship. After all, a married life should be filled with mutual understanding in order to adjust, sacrifice, tolerate and be patient in situations that are deemed improper. It is also a commitment to lead the partnership towards attaining peace, harmony and contentment.

Now comes the hardest part of a married life. What would happen when they have children? There would be more commitments and responsibilities in the upbringing, as a child would spend most of his/her formative years in the care of the parents at home. Thus, a child would be picking up and imitate the lifestyle and values of the parents. This is the most crucial period for the parents as a child will have the immense potential to be good or evil.

What would you do as a parent to the child? Would you sacrifice your time to guide your child in their needs, from the basic necessity of food and lodging, education, until your see him/her walking down the aisle? Or would you chase your own dreams of being extremely rich without having the time even to be at home for his/her birthdays? Unfortunately, most parents of today are lack of this responsibility, causing their children to go astray in the society. The child becomes ruthless and rowdy because the lack of one thing that is most important in their lives – attention!

The first few years in the life of a child is basically formed based on character building. They will absorb characteristics by imitating the emotions of the parents. This is the most crucial period to be by his/her side all the time to show your parental love and affection, having a “love-filled-dispute-none” environment and to instill positive values into his/her life. Not only will the child grow up to be emotionally stable, s/he will also be sound both morally and psychologically.

Before you can even blink your eyes, the adolescence years of a child will slowly slip in. A child will see some changes to his/her physical appearances. This is the time where they will be asking about the “flowers and the bees” and life questions. As a parent, you have to be prepared to answer any questions thrown to you, by answering openly, truthfully and informatively to your child. Withholding vital information will not stop him/her from being exposed to any danger.

This is not the end of the duties of the parents. There will still be the college years, career years, courtship years, and marriage years to consider. So, what do you see through the eyes of a married person now? Do you think it is easy for them in their life? Do you think they have not sacrificed enough for the sake of a child’s life in the future? Do you think they should be ignored forever just because of a little advice that they have given for the sake of ensuring a child’s brighter future? Well, you will know when you are in their shoes and seeing through their eyes when you are married and have a child of yourself.

“I am in a bad mood. Do not disturb me. Just leave me alone!” Does this phrase sound familiar to you? We have been living in a life filled with complexity, a world where we have complicated personalities, complicated social and cultural environment and being simple is no longer in our vocabulary. We have lost all the simplicity even when we were a kid, chasing dreams, getting good education and gaining the experiences that we need in our lives. By knowing more and being literate, we tend to explore more into the unknown and thus complicate and confuse ourselves even more. We ended up being a questioner, a doubter or a skeptic.

The outcome would be that you will not believe and trust things or a person easily, unless you see them in your own eyes or experience them yourself. Even a relationship will turn sour because of the lack of trust to believe the other person. In a relationship trust and believe are the two main requirements. A person will always need a good relationship for his own psychological development. This is where we learn and grow. This is where we understand each other better with openness, sincerity, care, love, respect and patience.

Sometimes relationships become entangled when there is a lack of communication or miscommunication. Just remember this. No one is perfect. There is always a flaw in every single one of us. This flaw should not be used as a mean to spoil a relationship. Whatever dispute that may arise, it should end with love, understanding, respect and appreciation. Otherwise, it will not be called a relationship.

Relationship is when love exists to enable two people to stay together, understanding and appreciate each other unconditionally. Judging ideas and ideals on another will cause great conflict. “You have to”, “You must, “You should” are some of the expectations in a relationship that will hinder free communication between two people. In the end, you cannot change him and he cannot change you and the relationship will turn sour eventually. Changes will not happen overnight. The more you forced that onto a person, the more tension he will have to be even near you. The further apart will the relationship be. If you intend to commit yourself into a relationship, accept who the other are and not what you want him to become. If he is truly in love with you, he will change for the better without even being told.

On the other hand, some relationships can be quite strange. Strange? Indeed people are strange. When you love someone and you sacrificed all that you have and yet you felt so empty. You felt as if the relationship is so insecure because you have no feedback or reaction from the other party. It is not that the other party is not aware of your sacrifices, but deep inside him, he is aware of your existence. It is in the human nature that nobody would want to be indebted to anybody. If you have sacrificed for someone you love, just forget about the repayment. Take it as if it is a community service. If they remember, then you are in luck. If they do not and you reminded them of what you did, they will hate you forever.

Don’t you think that is strange? Don’t you think that the human mind is rather complex? When you think you know what the other would want but in the end you get confused over what is in the mind of the other? You will end up asking yourself whether you are with the right person. Whatever happened to a person is how it is. It is a matter of knowing it and not by judging what you see. As soon as you add to it in any way, it becomes more personal, emotional and complicated. This is not how life should be. Living life should be as simple as possible.